Chapter 10 (Volume 2)

10 March 1996- I still have a slight sore throat and mouth sores!! What a bummer!

Went to drill, but was in a class all morning, so time went by quickly.

Came home and then John came home with Joshua and Spencer. Kevin and Trudy came over to visit. They stayed till after 11:00pm!! I enjoyed visiting, but really needed to get to bed. Got to bed about 11:40pm.

11 March 1996- Mouth sores are a real pain! I called Valarie and got her to call me in a prescription for Magic Mouthwash which should help.

Had lunch with Faye C today. We had a nice visit- met at Applebees on Wendover. I'm glad I can finally put a face with the name now.

It was crazy at work today- two more complaints came in- one on Miller and one on Church. Could never catch up with one of the complaintants. I am taking next 2 days off to make-up my last Guard Drill. I am not looking forward to Thursday and having to deal with the complaints!!

Drank a milkshake with Ensure for dinner- just couldn't eat anything with my sore mouth.

12 March 1996- Had to make up a drill day today. It was really a drag- I had to work with SSG Wray and he talked to me like I was a 10 year old!!

David L took me out to lunch. I dropped my car off to get it inspected.

I was incredibly TIRED today- and I just couldn't think very well- all I wanted to do was curl up and rest, but I couldn't!

John worked late- so I had to fix dinner for the kids.

My mouth is doing much better- the Magic Mouthwash helps a lot. Got to bed a little early 8:45pm.

13 March 1996- Made up another day at the Armory. I wasn't as tired today. The mouthwash has done wonders for the mouth sores- they are pretty much gone. My hair continues to fall out at an alarming rate! Everytime I comb it, more comes out.

I took Maxwell for a walk- so got a little exercise today.

I had to change my bandage, change caps and flush my port tonight which always takes awhile.

I finally got an e-mail letter from Sue M and a letter from Bruce!

14 March 1996- My squad was back to work. It was not a fun day as I had to deal with Miller's complaint- I talked to other driver and he stated that he did not feel Miller was rude or out of line in anyway. He did appropriately find her at fault. Anyway, I spoke with the complaintant and after explaining 20 times "why" according to traffic law, she was at fault- she still felt I was wrong. Finally, she ended up hanging up on me!! I told Lt Lunsford about it- just in case she calls and complains on me. It was a hectic day- I am almost looking forward to chemo tomorrow!!

Chaplain Boyd came by and I talked to him for about 40 minutes.

Came home and worked on cleaning the upstairs before treatment. Went to bed after 11pm.

15 March 1996- Got up around 5:30 and after I ate breakfast, I finished cleaning upstairs.

Dot came to take me to my treatment. I enjoyed talking with Valarie- she is the most positive part of my treatment.

Wrote Bruce letter and read magazines. I was there almost 3 hours. Came home and sent an e-mail letter to Sue.

I ate some soup- then tried to rest. I couldn't sleep. I got up about 5pm and vomited and now I feel better. I don't think any anti-nausea medicine does much for me.

Dot stayed and picked up Spencer and took him to stay with her for the weekend.

I ended up throwing up EVERYTHING I tried to eat or drink- even water. Finally, I called and talked to the doctor on call and he said to just eat ice chips and then take Lorazpam before I went to bed. I went to bed around 9:30 and slept well.

16 March 1996- Got up and took a Zophran, then had an english muffin. I just rested most of the day in John's room. Lying down seems to be the most comfortable position. I drank water- for lunch I had some frozen yogurt, then a little soup for dinner. Watched TV.

John picked up Spencer and went with Kevin to a circus in Winston Salem.

The biggest thing is the way my stomach feels and the enormous lack of energy I feel.

17 March 1996- Still under the weather. Got up and took a Zophran, then went back to bed. I got up later and I threw up the Zophran. I ate an english muffin and hot chocolate and then took another Zophran. Still feel bad- all I want to do is rest. I rested some- watched some old movies.

Had planned to iron clothes, but just don't have the strength to do it. John and I went to bed around 9:30- we each took a Lorazpam to sleep.

18 March 1996- Slept till close to 6am, then got children and John up.

Was not ready to go back to work yet- I am still recouperating.

I did fold clothes and ironed a mountain of clothes. Was exhausted when I finished- so slept until the kids got home.

This morning before John left for work, I decided that the hair must go. My hair consisted of large bald spots- it was really ugly and my hair "hurt" from being bundled up all the time. Plus the shed factor was driving me "crazy". So I decided to shave my head. I did the best I could and John helped me trim it up. I look like an alien, but my head is much more comfortable. At least now when I shed- there won't be much hair to shed!

I watched Gorgoyles TV show with Spencer, then fixed dinner. John ate a little later, as his stomach was acting up.

The rest of the evening- I again was pulled between Spencer wanting to play a game and John wanting me to watch TV- I managed to do both!

Went to bed around 9pm.

Chapter 9 (Volume 2)

27 February 1996- Got up about 6am and took a bath and washed hair- I finally felt clean!

My stomach was a little uneasy, but better than the day before. I ate some cereal, then decided I would "bite the bullet" and wear my wig! My hair looked so bad- I didn't have much of a choice.

I was late getting to work because I had to fiddle with styling my hair. I got to work and Dale was coming off of a bad cold! Just what I need to catch!!

I tried drinking a coke and taking my vitamins, but it didn't take long for the vitamins to come up.

Had an appointment at noon with Valarie at oncologist's office. She showed me how to clean and change the dressing on the porta-cath.

Came back to SS and ate lunch and just piddled around. LT and CPT came out for afternoon line-up.

No one made any comment about my hair or hair color. The CPT did say his sister had a wig the same color.

Went home and was feeling good, fixed dinner for kids and me. John came home from bridal appointments and I fed him.

After dinner, John, Spencer and I watched TV in John's room.

Spencer was being very demanding about my attention. I put him to bed once, then wrote an e-mail letter to Lyn Nell. Spencer was still up so he laid down with me for a few minutes.

I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep so I took a Lorazpam.

28 February 1996- Dale had a busy day at work- I wasn't much help to him. He is doing an excellent job!!

I left for about an hour- got stamps- got paperwork to get my windshield fixed- went to credit union and bank, then went by the pharmacy.

Kinard's still doesn't have all my medical supplies, but they said they should have them by 5:00pm.

Came by at 5:00pm after work and Kinard's still doesn't have all my supplies!! This is getting frustrating!

At around 6 pm- I finally got my medicine and medical supplies. Didn't get home till after 6:30pm.

I fixed dinner for me and boys. John didn't get home till 8pm- I fixed him dinner then. He was in a pretty "blue mood". I certainly understand that he is in a frustrating position. He desperately needs a dedicated designer who can really take some of the load off of him. I will continue to pray for such a person to come along.

I had to return some phone calls- just a really blah evening. I want to spend more time with John, but still feel pulled between John and Spencer- as they are both vieing for my attention. Was very tired then I went to bed after cleaning my porta-cath.

29 February 1996- John was still in a "MOOD" this morning. Before I went to work, we talked about setting the kids straight and having a family meeting to lay out what we expect. I felt a little better about the family situation before leaving for work.

Routine day- Gary called me to ask me how I was doing- it was good talking to him.

Came home and fixed dinner, dropped Joel at library, then picked up a few things at store.

John was home when I got home, he was upstairs watching TV. He was in a very quiet glum "BLUE" mood. Finances are his main worry- I know how he feels- I got paid today (NO EXTRA DUTY). Money and bills will be really rough to pay! I don't know what I am going to do!

1 March 1996- Got to work on time for a change. Jim Gunn called me and he asked me to lunch. Worked a monthly report all day, then did individual stats.

Jim and I went to Deliworks for lunch. We had a good talk- took about an hour and a half lunch.

Came home and checked prodigy- I got a letter from Lyn Nell!

At dinner, John and I laid down law to kids about what we expect of them and what their punishment will be. Joel did dishes and made banana bread cup cakes.

After dinner, I went up and typed a long e-mail letter to Lyn Nell. Cindy called John and they talked a long time.

Watched 20/20, then read some and went to bed.

2 March 1996- Got up around 8am. After breakfast- got boys up.

Started cleaning upstairs. At noon, I had to take Spencer to get Josh a birthday present. We all went over to Joshua's house and visited for a couple hours. Had a good time.

Dropped kids off at house and John and I went over to Jim and Roger's to visit. Stayed till after 8pm- came home and watched TV, went to bed around 11pm.

3 March 1996- Got up early- took bath, had devotions and stuff before I got up rest of family.

Went to church. After church, Dot came over and we went to Women's Club for lunch- it was good! Joel went with Michael to deliver phone books, but he returned by 3:00pm.

Joel showed me how to make cards on the computer.

Did some light cleaning- fixed boys dinner. Played PayDay with Spencer.

Joel was tired and crashed early.

John had a meeting, then went to Kevin's house- we were all asleep by the time he got home.

4 March 1996- Monday- so back to work! Had an appointment with Dr. Magrinant today. They pricked my finger again to take blood. I can't believe I have a port so I don't have to get shots and they still prick my finger!! Why?

I told Dr. Magrinant that I had quite a bit of nausea with my first treatment- so he prescribed Zophran. Valarie flushed my port and changed the caps for me (they gave me the wrong type of cap!)

My next chemo is scheduled for 10:00 on the 15th with follow up on the 26th.

Went by Kinard's and took caps back. The pharmacist assured me that she would get the heparin syringes in by Wednesday.

Came home- Janet Smith brought dinner by tonight. John was home and kind of in a cleaning frenzy.

We ate, then Spencer and I went to talent show at his school.

5 March 1996- Went to lunch with Cindy S today. Went to Ham's and had a nice visit.

After dinner I wrote to Lyn Nell, then played a short game of PayDay with Spencer.

6 March 1996- Went to see Dr. Leone. He changed the bandage. No problems. I was able to get the Heparin syringes from Kinard Drugs.

7 March 1996- Went to Joy E's mother's funeral in Reidsville with Susan.

Martha and Gary came out to SS to see me at lunch, but I couldn't visit much since I was leaving to go to the funeral.

Got my drill check today, but since I only got paid for the one drill- it didn't go too far with paying the bills. I was very stressed about money.

8 March 1996- Did two evaluations on rookies and served them. SGT David wanted me to help him with a display he is working on- so I swallowed my pride and went downtown to PD! Everyone complimented me on my wig! I was real self conscious about having to see people as I didn't want to shock them too much.

Kevin invited John and Spencer over, so I stayed home and ironed clothes and wrote thank you notes!!

9 March 1996- Had drill- didn't wear my wig- everyone said they were glad to see me.

Woke up with sore throat- also am getting mouth sores. My gums and teeth hurt too! I felt lousy, but when I got home, John was cleaning- so I cleaned downstairs while he cleaned kitchen- went to bed around 9pm.

Chapter 8 (Volume 2)

21 February 1996- Today was sugery. I couldn't eat or drink anything that morning. John took me to the hospital around 10:00am.

I had to take off all my clothes and put on a hospital gown and socks. About 11:00am I walked across the hall to surgery. I went to the bathroom and then laid down on a gurney. The anethesiologists came and started an IV and gave me a sedative. Dr.Leone was late to surgery. While I was waiting, I fell asleep. Then they wheeled me into the operating room- it was cold, but they covered me up pretty well. They put an oxygen mask over my face. For the rest of surgery, I was kind of in and out- I would hear what was going on then fade out again. I guess surgery lasted over an hour. They put a 3 port Hickman catheter in my right chest.

They wheeled me into the recovery room and took a chest x-ray. I slowly started to come around. They gave me a coke and then they brought my clothes and the nurses helped me get dressed.

I spoke to Dr. Leone a minute- I really like him- he did a good job. John brought the car around to the patient entrance as I got dressed.

We didn't get home until about 3:30 PM. I propped myself up in the sitting room with pillows. Since I hadn't eaten all day- I ate breakfast and took 1 pain capsule.

Spencer came home and we played war, but I really got sleepy and slept for awhile.

Patsy called me to give me some good news. BCBS is working with Duke and it looks like the whole medical bill both here and at Duke will only run me around $2,000. The whole bill will probably be a quarter of a million- so my cost is a drop in the bucket. The bad news is that BCBS won't cover a wig.

John had a wedding appt at his office. He didn't get back until 8PM. He made me some soup and cheese bread. He took Spencer and went and got hamburgers for them.

I went to bed around 10:30.

22 February 1996- Woke up family, then went back to bed and didn't get up until everyone had left.

I am still sore, but I am able to move my right arm better. I did not take a shower, but just got dressed.

I managed to wash some clothes and ironed.

I was very tired and slept for a couple of hours. Then John came home and told me that I needed to get my hair cut real short. So I made an appointment at Mane Event and got my hair cut real short.

After dinner we all went to Oak Hollow Mall to go to Chic Wig. After trying on several wigs- John had me try on the auburn one and believe it or not it really looked the most believable. So crazy as it seems- I did get the auburn one. I'm just scared to death to wear it, because I don't do change well, but I will just have to deal with it.

23 February 1996- D-Day- My first chemotherapy treatment today.

I got up and managed to take a bath and wash my hair in the bathtub. With this porta-cath, I may not be able to take a shower for months!

Mom and Dad picked me up at 9:00. We drove to Greensboro and I went by "Great Harvest" to get some bread. It wasn't ready yet so I paid for it and mom picked it up later.

I just had mom drop me off for my treatment. They first pricked my finger and liked to never got any blood. Then Valarie came and got me and went over all the side effects and explained the procedure.

She administered each of the 4 drugs separately, just in case I had a reaction to them. She gave me an anti-nausea drug and then the A and C. I just lounged in the chair and listened to tapes- it took about 3 hours. Then mom picked me up and drove me home.

On the way home, mom insisted that I drink juice so I did.

I came home and took an anti-nausea pill, then ate some cheese bread and fixed John some lunch.

Then I laid down and tried to rest but couldn't. Marilyn B called and talked. Apparently she had found out from somebody about me!

Debbie M stopped by and visited. I had gotten up and I was starting to feel really lousy. Kevin and Joshua came in and as Joel was introducing Debbie and Kevin, I made a mad dash for the bathroom and up-chucked volumes!! Apparently the juice was just too acidic and didn't agree with me. I felt much better after vomiting.

I just sat and watched TV in the sitting room all evening. John finally came home between 8-9PM and I sent him to get some chicken noodle soup as I felt I could probably handle that. It tasted good!

Joel and John made up my bed upstairs and about 10:30, I crashed.

24 February 1996- Didn't get up until after 8AM- John had already left. I am supposed to have drill today, but I called MSG Tolley earlier this week and explained about my chemo and said I may or may not make it- so at least they won't be looking for me.

I took it easy today, but also did some work. I cleaned the refrigerator and kitchen as well as the downstairs. Then I took a nap.

I got several phone calls- my friends from the Armory called, Jim Gunn called and Cindy (John's sister) called.

I did get outside a little- it was a beautiful day. Spencer and I walked up to the bakery, but he was ticked because they didn't have anything he wanted. I picked up my laundry at the cleaners.

Joel delivered phone books all afternoon and Spencer played upstairs so I could rest.

After dinner, Joel, Spencer and I watched the movie, "The Coneheads", then went to bed. John had gone to Roger's birthday party at Jim M's.

25 February 1996- Felt really lousy today- still have a queasy stomach. I'm glad I didn't tell them at the Armory that I would be coming in today, because I wouldn't have made it.

John had a big wedding, so he was gone all day. I sent the boys to Sunday School, then they had lunch at the church and worked on Easter banners.

I felt so lousy all day- very sick to my stomach, it seems like everything seemed to come back up!

I kept trying to get the boys to clean up and do their chores, but I really couldn't follow through with making sure they did what they were supposed to, because I was just so sick.

John finally came home about 9PM and he really hit the ceiling when he found bikes in driveway, lights left on, kitchen a mess, etc. John was about as mad as I have ever seen him. I was afraid he would have a heart attack or stroke- he was SO mad. It upset me, but I know he wasn't mad at me, but I felt bad, because I wasn't able to keep the house clean-

After his rath subsided, Penny H came by and brought us a whole meal. John hadn't eaten- so he finally got to eat something. We both took a Lorazapam before we went to bed.

26 February 1996- I still feel lousy- my stomach just won't settle down.

I called "Advance Care" that was supposed to come out and teach me how to clean and maintain my catheter. I called Valarie at Dr. Magrinant's office and told her of my nausea and vomiting. She told me that my insurance wouldn't pay for the "Advance Care", but that if I went to the office tomorrow she would teach me how to change and maintain my catheter. She also told me to take a Lorazapam and just sleep to settle my stomach.

I took her advice and slept on John's bed all afternoon. I kept down soup that I had for dinner and went to bed around 9PM.

Chapter 7 (Volume 2)

15 Feb 1996- Rather ho-hum day. Read reports mostly all day.

In PM I went by my parents house- mom wasn't home, but dad seemed much better than I have seen him in a long time. I told him about my cancer- he seemed to take it pretty well.

I went downtown to PD- while there I talked to MANY people. I found out CPT Stewart's grandson has leukemia and then I ran into him in the hall and asked him about it. He said his grandson is doing great and he was real encouraging. After talking with him I realize I have got to get my family into some sort of support group.

When I came home today- Spencer was in the den eating cheese and crackers, so I let him know how much I appreciated that. It was all downhill from there! Spencer is hurt so easily and he seems to particularly lash out at me. Everything I said to him- he was resistant and defiant! John had a meeting after work and by the time he came home, I was in tears- very upset by Spencer's behavior!!

I had to fold and iron clothes- which of course Spencer didn't understand. John wanted me to watch TV with him and of course Spencer wanted me to spend time with him. I often feel like a YO YO between them as they both vie for my attention.

This family needs couseling badly as we are very fragmented and dysfunctional!

16 Feb 1996- Today, I was very surprised to wake up to impending snow. On the news, they were announcing school delays. As I left Thomasville, it was just beginning to snow, but by the time I got to Greensboro, it had already been snowing.

My biggest fear was that my appointment with Dr. Magrinant would be cancelled, but fortunately, it was not. John met me at his office. We had to wait almost an hour to get seen.

Dr. Magrinant said I would get 4 treatments (outpatient chemo), one treatment every 3 weeks. I then set up an appointment to get a Hickman Port surgically installed with Dr. Leone on Wednesday. On Friday, 23rd- I will have my first chemo treatment.

John took me to lunch after my appointment (we ate chinese). Then I took him back to his van and I went to the PD. I spent probably 1 1/2 hours with Patsy- I am so glad to have her working for me on my insurance on this illness. She is going to check with Duke for me about medical costs. She has really been SUPER!!

John and Spencer went to visit with Kevin and Josh- I met them as we passed in the driveway. Spencer made John stop so he could give me a kiss! I cleaned the upstairs and actually got Joel to help me!

17 Feb 1996- I got up early and took Joel to school for a field trip, but after waiting a half hour, the teacher never showed up!

Came home and folded clothes, made up beds. Then getting frustrated at the kids for not listening to me- I left for awhile to get prescriptions filled. I also went back to K-Mart and bought a pair of black pants. I looked for some blouses to go with my navy pants, but didn't find any.

Came home and cleaned downstairs, then went and got a video for kids.

After dinner, I went with John to arrange flowers around a wedding cake at Emorywood Country Club.

Came home and watched TV, but there was nothing good on- so I went to bed around 9:30!

18 Feb 1996- Sunday- got up about 6:18 and put on a roast, then took a shower.

I was reading an article in "Better Homes & Gardens" about menopause and osteoporosis- I am really scared about possible heart damage and what kind of shape my body will be in after all this stuff is over with. I just pray that I won't be a "little old lady", but will be able to get back into some kind of decent physical condition again. I desire more than ever to really hike the Appalachian Trail- it is a goal for me to strive toward. After all this treatment, it will seem like a piece of cake in comparison!

Went to church, then fixed Sunday dinner, Dot came over and ate with us. After lunch I took Maxwell for a long walk, then folded and ironed clothes while I watched a movie.

Kevin and Joshua came over and spent most of the afternoon. Kevin was loading stuff on computer for John.

I was experiencing some major discomfort and pain. I took 1 pain pill and then turned in early and took a Lorazipam. Hope I will be able to sleep.

19 Feb 1996- I felt better when I got up this morning- no pain.

Had staff meeting at substation for 1/2 day. I made some calls reference where to get a wig. I talked to one lady and her sister who recommended Chic Wig at Oak Hollow Mall.

I went by mom's house and took a pair of pants by for her to hem.

After leftovers, John, Spencer and I went to Oak Hollow Mall to look at wigs. Joel went to scouts. I finally found two wigs that were "believable", but they did not have them in my color. The color I tried on was a reddish auburn color. John loved it, but I am just not ready to be a redhead.

I got e-mail today from both Lyn and Sue. I sent Sue an e-mail letter- first one I have done- hope she gets it OK! She sent it several days ago, so I hope she hasn't given up receiving mail from me. I will write Lyn tonight.

Got to bed about 10:45PM- Late!! Am really tired!

20 Feb 1996- Had to have some pre-op lab work done. I went in and gave the lady my insurance card and she asked me how much my insurance company paid and I said I thought it was 85%. She quickly did some figuring and told me I owed $440.00 that needed to be paid up front. I about choked. She asked me if I could pay it now and I said no. Then she asked if I could pay $100 and I again said "no". I was about in tears as I knew if they were going to make me pay up front on any of the medical procedures- I wouldn't be able to have any of them done. The lady just wrote down- "payments will be worked out". I had blood taken, EKG, and gave a urine specimen.

I then went down to PD to get the mail. I went up to see Patsy, but she was in a meeting. I ran into Sue while at the PD, she gave me a big hug and said she had sent me a card (I got the card today). Patsy called and said she had been checking with Duke but needed to check with the BCBS people to get some answers.

Went back to substation, but didn't really do anything the rest of the day. I did talk to Faye and filled her in on what my protocol is. She answered a lot of questions that I had.

I stopped by my mom's house on the way home and picked up some pants she had hemmed for me.

Came home and went to the library then came home and fixed dinner.

After getting kids to bed, I sent an e-mail letter to Lyn Nell.

Chapter 6 (Volume 2)

We left Duke and got something to eat then got back to Thomasville around 5pm. John changed and went back to work. He came home around 7:30 and we did a quick grocery run, then he had to go to Winston Salem to check on a wedding he is doing tomorrow.

I talked with Darcy R, Phil G, Cindy and Whitescarver. I tried to call Faye C, but she wasn't home.

I cleaned downstairs and didn't get to bed until around 11:40pm.

February 10, 1996- The boys stayed with Grandparents in Greensboro- Joel is with Andy tonight. Mom brought dad home from the hospital today- I briefly went by the house, but didn't have time to talk to her since she wasn't there. I haven't said anything about my cancer to Dad yet, but I'm afraid with his being out of the hospital- he will have to know something soon.

I had drill today- of the full time staff, I think I really surprised them by showing up. Everybody that knew was real understanding. They will work with me on missing drills.

The church had a covered dish supper that I went to. John was worn out, so he stayed home. It was a small group, but I filled in those that knew about me.

I got a short letter from Lyn Nell today, she stated that she had just got back in from Iowa from her Grandmother's funeral.

I want to talk to Faye C today, but she said she would not be home. I will try to call her tomorrow. I want to find out about her exact treatment before I get back down to Duke.

February 11, 1996- Had drill today- most of the main people at the armory know about my cancer- I was surprised the COL didn't know, but I told him and the Chaplain.

After drill I went to Muirs Chapel Church to pick up Joel who had spent the night with Andy. Joan and I sat out in her van and talked about an hour or so while the boys were attending the youth group. I hadn't seen Joan since this summer- it was good talking to her. She was telling me that she just found out that she has cataracts and is going to have to have them removed.

I left there and picked up Spencer at Dot's house. Dot "loaded" me up with all kinds of food. I really appreciate her doing all that cooking for me.

I came home and John had cleaned the kitchen- it looked real nice. Things were crazy- the boys "never" listen to me. It is so hard for me not coming across like a real "B*&X*h", but I get so frustrated getting the boys to clean and pick up after themselves!!

I talked to John Mullinax (nurse) while at the armory today and found out he works at Wake Medical Center and works with outpatient chemotherapy. He answered a lot of questions and gave me his phone number if I have any questions. I also talked to Faye tonight and she also answered a lot of questions. She suggested we get together for lunch and meet each other. She really sounds like a neat person.

February 12, 1996- Regular work day- did very little. Went by mom's house. Dad is not doing good at all. I keep encouraging her to explore other types of treatment as I don't think drugs alone are going to cut it.

Went downtown, talked to several people there. Talked with Gary H and Martha today.

Took the boys to Boy Scout covered dish supper tonight.

Talked with Roger on phone, told him about dad- he said he would try and take the ball on that, since I will have to be out of the picture.

February 13, 1996- Got up early- left and drove to Jim Gunn's house. He took his vehicle and drove me to Duke Bone Marrow Clinic. I talked to Dr. Hussein there. He stated that they could work with Dr. Magrinant and he could give me regular chemo treatments in Greensboro (couple of months) then I would go to Duke for the HIGH DOSAGE CHEMOTHERAPY. I would be at Duke about a month. He gave me a whole notebook of information to read. I just want to go ahead and get started. On February 19th I have an appointment with Dr. Magrinant to discuss my program.

After picking up my car at Jim's house, I drove home. I ran some errands then went by John's to let him know about my appointment.

I went back to the house and read some of the cancer notebook, then changed clothes and attended Roy R's retirement dinner at Green's Supper Club. He had a good turn out. I talked with Julie P who was there.

February 14, 1996- A fairly uneventful day other than the fact that it was VALENTINE'S DAY!

I went to peer counseling team training and told the group about my situation. Dr. Cutter encouraged me to participate in all support groups I was referred to.

I cleared up my office at the substation- I had never had a chance to clean it before, because it was always SO busy. Dale continues to be super efficient, he is really doing an excellent job and is handling much more than his fair share. I have utmost confidence in his ability to run the squad.

Morgan and Zachary Masula spent the night as Debbie went out- I owed her for keeping the boys a couple weeks ago.

I slept last night without taking any medication- the pain pills are so strong they make me sick to my stomach the next morning. One of the other medicines works well, but I'm going to only take them when I can't sleep. I have relaxed a lot and so am able to get to sleep.

Chapter 5 (Volume 2)

I am just getting so anxious- I want to get on with the treatment. The delay is driving me crazy. Also, the pain is getting more intense.

Valarie, Dr. Magrinant's nurse called and said she has an appointment set up for me at Duke with the head of the Bone Marrow Transplant Center, on Tuesday, Feb 13th
(1996). John will not be able to go with me as that is the day before Valentine's Day. I have been trying to think of who I can ask to go with me, but I just don't know- I really need mom to keep the kids for me that night as John will be working late and that is the night of Roy R's retirement dinner at Greensboro Supper Club.

I called 1SG Tolley today and told him about my situation. I told him I would probably be at drill, but it all depended on what I found out at Duke on Friday.

February 7, 1996- Had appointment with Dr. Leone. John met me at his office. I asked several questions. He did help explain what he believed that caused this cancer. He said that somehow malignant cells spread from the original tumor site, but instead of going to the auxillary nodes under the arm as is most common- these travelled toward my breast bone and settled in my mammary nodes which are located deep- under my ribs. He said that even had I had a masectomy- those nodes are so deep that they are not surgically removed. He believes that the radiation didn't get them because they are so deep and the radiation can't go too deep or it will penetrate my lungs. He also said my tests were optimistic in that the cancer seems to be all in my chest and doesn't appear to have spread anywhere. He recommended chemotherapy followed by surgery if necessary later down the road. He said if surgery was done, he would recommend a masectomy because of the problems I have had.

Afterwards, John and I went to Cone Hospital and visited my dad. I then went to mom's house and she gave me a bunch of herbal stuff to take.

John went to a cigar smoker's dinner, he woke me up about 11:45 to tell me all about it- said Dr. Leone was there.

February 8, 1996- I got up and felt bad, but like an idiot I went and took all the herbal stuff mom gave me. Then I really felt sick as a dog!! I tried to eat, but just ended up throwing up about 4 times. I finally managed to drag myself to Greensboro, but felt like I just had a chemo treatment!

I finally started to feel better around 1:00pm. At around 3:30pm I went to Cone to pick up my slides. When I got home- Jackie had dropped off some food, but just vegetables. I called John to ask him about it. He was real stressed and said he didn't know if he would be able to go to Duke with me- I was pissed, but I was determined not to let him know it. I understand his dilemma with having to run a business and then having to balance this illness of mine. He came home after the kids and I had finished dinner(Laura had provided half the meal and Jackie the other half).

He was in a better mood - he ate and we were only able to talk a little. He has two big weddings on Saturday which has got him stressed out.

I went to bed about 11pm.

February 9, 1996- John started out very high stress today, because of all the weddings and stuff he has going for tomorrow.

I got up and started getting ready for the trip to Duke. I called Valarie at Dr. Magrinant's office and realized that I had forgot to get all my CT scans, x-rays, mammogram, etc from Cone yesterday!

I called John and told him we had to leave soon, as I had to run by Cone. He came home shortly thereafter and was "HIGH" stressed- he had had a fight with Bobby that morning about being late and he was fit to be tied!

It is so frustrating for me as I do understand how difficult it is for him to get away when he has weddings and things that "MUST" get done. His problem is not having good "HELP" that he can depend on to handle things when he can't be there. I just wish he would prioritize on finding that person-

I had to give John one of my pills for anxiety and stress before we left- he was so dangerously close to stroking out or having a heart attack, he was so keyed up!

I drove and almost had a rear-end collision on my way to Cone Hospital. I was a nervous wreck by then and told John that he was SO difficult to live with. He was very sensitive and took my comment wrong- so he was pretty silent on the way to Duke and hurt. I didn't mean it the way it came out, but his stress level just drives me crazy. He talked about getting counseling, which is what I strongly suggested.

Anyway, the trip down was pretty rocky.

We got there and had to wait about an hour or so. John came into the room with me so he could talk to Dr. Englehart also.

Dr. Englehart was a surgical oncologist. He stated that in looking at my case that surgery was not an option- it was too difficult and risky where the tumor was located. He talked about various types of chemotherapy. He recommended standard dose- then high dose and bone marrow if it didn't work. I am scheduled to see Dr. Hussein on Tuesday the 13th- to talk specifically about Bone Marrow Transplant and chemotherapy options.

Dr. Englehart was about 39-40 year's old and after talking to him, John was not particularly impressed. We kind of felt like we didn't really know much more after seeing him other than totally ruling out surgery.

Chapter 4 (Volume 2)

I came back to mom's house and ate lunch- I have been very tired all day. I called and left word at Dr. Magrinant's office that should my appointment be cancelled to call me at my mother's house. They called a short while later and have rescheduled me for noon on Monday. I am SO frustrated- the weather has continually delayed my medical progress!

Mom got me some sleeping pills as I am so keyed up, I have a lot of difficulty sleeping. I did doze for an hour or so, but have definitely not gotten the rest that I need.

The weather is really bad- freezing rain all day. And as luck would have it- the power went out at mom's house around 2:30 and did not come on all evening. I dread getting up to a cold house tomorrow!!

Veda and Curtis came and got mom and I and took us to their house for dinner- It was nice of them to do that.

I talked to John when I got home. Kevin and Joshua are going to be spending the night at our house, since their heat is off.

I talked to Phil- he stated that Monday he would be starting limited duty in "Evidence", he wasn't looking forward to that, but he is going stir crazy at home.

I took sleeping pills and pain medicine, so I hope I can sleep tonight.

Feb 3, 1996- I slept fair last night, but still woke up much earlier than I needed to. Mom's house was cold so I turned on the gas logs. I did take a hot shower and then just sat in front of the fireplace. Mom woke up and brought me some vitamins to take- then she read a devotional. She has been more than supportive to me.

I went to work around 5:30 so I could put on my make-up as it is hard to do in candle light.

Lt Lunsford called me early and I filled him in on the doctor's appointments I had coming up.

I told my squad what was happening with Phil and me. My first line-up was harder and I choked up once, but managed to keep an even keel on my second line-up. The whole squad was very concerned and supportive- some already had heard about me, but it was very important to me that I tell them what was going on.

The weather was really bad- freezing rain and all the streets were packed down. Power lines and trees down were the worst of it. Not many accidents as most people stayed home and many businesses were closed.

I called Candy L early morning and we went to "Your House" on Battleground for breakfast. She hadn't heard about my situation, so I filled her in. I hate today was my last day in uniform that I would be able to work with her.

After work I went by Dot's house and she loaded me down with food, then I went by mom's to get my stuff. Mom's power was back on.

We all went downstairs and visited as a family- John had cranked up the fireplace and it was really toasty. About 8:40, John insisted I take a Xanax that he had so I could sleep.

Feb 4, 1996- I slept good all night, but woke up about 5am and was really cold. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't so I got up.

At 6:00am, I called Dale to let him know I had messed up the schedule and had forgot to change it. He said that we got an additional 2 inches of snow last night. I filled him in on what my schedule was for this upcoming week (Dr. appointments etc)

Feb 5, 1996 (Sunday)- Slept very good last night with the Xanax- got up about 5:30am.

Church was cancelled so we just all stayed warm at home. John and I watched an old "Blondie and Dagwood" movie.

I cooked the roast that Dot had given me. I got caught up with my washing, folding, and ironing clothes today.

Feb 5, 1996- Weather was bad- so kids were out of school. I was very worried that my appointment with Dr. Magrinant would be cancelled, but thankfully it wasn't.

I went to see Dr. Magrinant at 12:00. He talked to me about my cancer- fortunately he takes a lot of notes and draws pictures which makes it easier to understand. He layed out two types of chemotherapy for my case. The first was a lower dose chemo over a longer period of time- then surgery and more chemo. The 2nd was high dose chemo, which he recommended, but it would require hospitalization. Both would have side effects, such as hair loss- early menopause- possible damage to heart- lungs and other organs- not real encouraging, but I guess a necessary evil. For the high dose treatment, there is a 3-5% chance of dying just from the treatment! SOUNDS CHEERY!! I asked what stage the tumor was and he said STAGE 3- NOT GOOD! :( He did say the bone scan was o.k., but said there was a spot on my liver. He believes that the liver spot was probably just a cyst, but he ordered an ultrasound for tomorrow just to be sure. They also took some blood to do lab work with. He made me an appointment for the following Friday- which was discouraging since I was hoping by this Friday the game plan would be underway- so I wouldn't be in limbo a whole week longer!!

I went from Dr. Magrinant's office to downtown and I went straight up to see Patsy B. She really eased my mind and encouraged me to ask the doctor's at Duke their expertise at dealing with the type of cancer I had and told me to ask them the leading doctors and hospitals in the field. She also told me to have John put all my medical bills in a drawer and just send them to her about once a month. What a relief to let someone who knows what to look for scan through them and screen for hidden costs. I talked with Julie P who tracked me down by phone at the PD and also talked to Peggy and JoAnn and LT Wray and CPT Payne.

I left the PD and went by Kinard's Drugstore to get two prescriptions filled for PAIN and SLEEP.

I then picked up my stuff from the Substation and called Joel to tell him I had to go by Dot's to pick up some food.

I didn't get home until almost 7PM!! John had gone to the YMCA to play racketball with Kevin. I was tired and frustrated at having to start dinner so late!! I threw on some spaghetti and yelled at kids to help me by setting the table.

I had no idea when John would come home- so I went ahead and ate with the boys and started cleaning up the mess in the kitchen- I was hoping to get the kitchen cleaned up by the time John got back as he fusses so much when it is dirty.

John didn't get home until 8:30pm- I was upset with him, because he went to play raquetball instead of helping me get dinner. I finally met Kevin and we chatted for a minute- he seems very nice. After Kevin left, I told John what Dr. Magrinant had said. He said he had worried all day and was hoping to hear from me. I told him that I didn't like giving him medical news over the phone. I cried and was upset mostly that I had been so selfish- as Kevin and John have so much in common that he gets a lot of support from him and I don't want to break that up.

Hopefully John forgave me, but we both released a lot of our frustrations and fears, which is probably what we needed.

I didn't get to bed until after 10:30- but took the sleeping pill and slept pretty good.

Feb 6, 1996- Got up at 5:00am, took shower and paid bills- never enough money to go around!

Couldn't eat breakfast because I had to go to Cone Hospital at 7:30 to get an ultrasound of my liver to determine what the spot was. After taking many pictures, I asked the nurse before I left how they turned out- she said she thought it was a cyst- I sure hope it is!

After my tests I went up to see dad on Division 5000, he seems better, but he still cannot let go and quit worrying. It is hard to cheer him up.

I left there and went to get some breakfast before reporting to the substation.

Called John to let him know about my tests. Ran some errands later in the day. Had to run by grocery on way home.

John got on computer and printed me top US Hospitals for treatment of Cancer. Duke was rated eighth.